Poems from the Book of Rage: "A note to my self:"

Disclaimer: This poem is not my own. This was written by someone I use to know. She was a budding writer back then, sweet and naive. This was how she let lose; a medium to get her mind off things that burdened her.
I advise you to read with your heart and understand what she means by her words and look past the grammatical inconsistencies.
I'm certain she won't mind me publishing her works. All credits go to her, but I will not identify the author.  Though she never wrote a poem for me, let's just say she is a big part of my chaotic yesterday.

... Ok, so its not a poem.

A note to my self:

I entered into a certain relationship without stabilizing my feelings so every now and then doubts conquer my mind as well as part of my whole being. Never had I thought things would turn out this complicated. The point is I don’t know my real and true feelings. Love takes time as they say but as for my part, I think I didn’t take it seriously by heart. I did it cause of curiosity that’s been tormenting me, It was a headstrong decision without knowing the consequences and finding the real true reason. 

The feeling of being comforted and loved in return which I long to feel and crave to have. Eagerness of being somebody’s precious most valuable possession, the idea of not being alone. Well I admit it’s my fault, I wasn’t so sure and yet I let my emotions get out of hand. The more I get close in knowing you and the time spent was unexplainable. I can’t even imagine staying in love with you for the rest of my life, worst I can’t accept the fact that you are worthy for me and having you as the one for the rest of my life. I’m sorry but what I’m trying to imply is that I wish for my freedom again, seceded from you, secluded from reality for a while to think and to find myself. 

Yes, I often tell you that I love you so much and I’m serious but later, it’s like every moment with you is . . . I can’t explain. I’m not comfortable with this kind of set-up, taking responsibility for someone. I guess I’m not ready yet for this certain kind of relationship. At first I was happy, excited and no other things seems to matter. I don’t know what went wrong; maybe it’s on me . . .. 

I keep on wondering and asking what, I can’t explain even if I tried to think for million times dissecting and defragging my feelings I came one with nothing. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be, maybe it’s just a dream, mere fantasy. I’m like a warrior fighting for something giving up everything struggling to survive this symphony and breakdown of what dreams I built and wished to be.  

I don’t know where to start it doesn’t feel worthy. I’m loosing my self as well as my identity, I wasn’t like this before, and it’s not me. I expected too much, rather we have expected too much from each another and it’s breaking me up. 

As I always say life is open ended and I leave this note likewise, hoping that someday I would slide my pen again and the answers to questions are clearly stated. 

  For me I think “ Love never dies, it just leaves you behind”. Come to think of it, When you love someone this strong that the whole world seems not to matter. Focused on that certain person, who captured your love and affection, sacrificing almost all, I mean all that you can just to win his/her love. Sometimes it seems so unfair because love often drops you restless, alone and in despair. Just imagine a person you love draws back the love you long for what an ecstatic bliss of reality, but here lies the bitter sweet of the story, it doesn’t always end that way.

The pain is too much to bear, keeps you miserable living a life of poignant illness. In what I had experienced I never thought that it could turn out to something enormously outburst of rage and anger. Crafting my whole life to a perfect piece, away from the harshness and agony of reality. Pondering on the fact that I don’t love you and I never should have. Wishing for time travel to the extent of putting my self into momentary amnesia just to make my self-worthy again. Gains back my loss self-identity and wasted time. But too late I can’t the only thing I cannot change is that once you had become a part of me. Made a mark that etched me draws me to my unending battle of fate and heartache. Sometimes we must learn to say goodbye and let go, but it doesn’t mean that the love I had for you is far-gone . . . No! Cause you’ll always be here, here in my heart. It never dies it will stay with me as long as I live. I think it’s what they call unconditional love.

Look at the bright side even if the aspects are too few, I believe that there still something deep and special just for you.  Life can be so unfair sometimes and the things that your are going through is tough. Maybe if there is only one thing that I regret most, is that I wasn’t given the chance of telling you that I love you! but I sure glad that destiny curtailed me from committing that possible biggest mistake, who knows what pain again I would go through.

Friendship is the valuable precious gifts I can’t afford to loose, so I can’t risk the chance of loosing you as my friend.  I can’t stand to see your life wasted but what else can I do besides being a real and true friend to you . . .. I guess none, Any ways for all it’s worth I loved you and I will continue on loving you cause you are so special that made my life complete and had given it a certain glow. I just wished that I had the chance to taking care of you even if it takes a million of pain and trials again to go through.  Indeed it’s true that “some good things never last”.