Poems from the Book of Rage: "A note to my self:"

Disclaimer: This poem is not my own. This was written by someone I use to know. She was a budding writer back then, sweet and naive. This was how she let lose; a medium to get her mind off things that burdened her.
I advise you to read with your heart and understand what she means by her words and look past the grammatical inconsistencies.
I'm certain she won't mind me publishing her works. All credits go to her, but I will not identify the author.  Though she never wrote a poem for me, let's just say she is a big part of my chaotic yesterday.

... Ok, so its not a poem.

A note to my self:

I entered into a certain relationship without stabilizing my feelings so every now and then doubts conquer my mind as well as part of my whole being. Never had I thought things would turn out this complicated. The point is I don’t know my real and true feelings. Love takes time as they say but as for my part, I think I didn’t take it seriously by heart. I did it cause of curiosity that’s been tormenting me, It was a headstrong decision without knowing the consequences and finding the real true reason. 

The feeling of being comforted and loved in return which I long to feel and crave to have. Eagerness of being somebody’s precious most valuable possession, the idea of not being alone. Well I admit it’s my fault, I wasn’t so sure and yet I let my emotions get out of hand. The more I get close in knowing you and the time spent was unexplainable. I can’t even imagine staying in love with you for the rest of my life, worst I can’t accept the fact that you are worthy for me and having you as the one for the rest of my life. I’m sorry but what I’m trying to imply is that I wish for my freedom again, seceded from you, secluded from reality for a while to think and to find myself. 

Yes, I often tell you that I love you so much and I’m serious but later, it’s like every moment with you is . . . I can’t explain. I’m not comfortable with this kind of set-up, taking responsibility for someone. I guess I’m not ready yet for this certain kind of relationship. At first I was happy, excited and no other things seems to matter. I don’t know what went wrong; maybe it’s on me . . .. 

I keep on wondering and asking what, I can’t explain even if I tried to think for million times dissecting and defragging my feelings I came one with nothing. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be, maybe it’s just a dream, mere fantasy. I’m like a warrior fighting for something giving up everything struggling to survive this symphony and breakdown of what dreams I built and wished to be.  

I don’t know where to start it doesn’t feel worthy. I’m loosing my self as well as my identity, I wasn’t like this before, and it’s not me. I expected too much, rather we have expected too much from each another and it’s breaking me up. 

As I always say life is open ended and I leave this note likewise, hoping that someday I would slide my pen again and the answers to questions are clearly stated. 

  For me I think “ Love never dies, it just leaves you behind”. Come to think of it, When you love someone this strong that the whole world seems not to matter. Focused on that certain person, who captured your love and affection, sacrificing almost all, I mean all that you can just to win his/her love. Sometimes it seems so unfair because love often drops you restless, alone and in despair. Just imagine a person you love draws back the love you long for what an ecstatic bliss of reality, but here lies the bitter sweet of the story, it doesn’t always end that way.

The pain is too much to bear, keeps you miserable living a life of poignant illness. In what I had experienced I never thought that it could turn out to something enormously outburst of rage and anger. Crafting my whole life to a perfect piece, away from the harshness and agony of reality. Pondering on the fact that I don’t love you and I never should have. Wishing for time travel to the extent of putting my self into momentary amnesia just to make my self-worthy again. Gains back my loss self-identity and wasted time. But too late I can’t the only thing I cannot change is that once you had become a part of me. Made a mark that etched me draws me to my unending battle of fate and heartache. Sometimes we must learn to say goodbye and let go, but it doesn’t mean that the love I had for you is far-gone . . . No! Cause you’ll always be here, here in my heart. It never dies it will stay with me as long as I live. I think it’s what they call unconditional love.

Look at the bright side even if the aspects are too few, I believe that there still something deep and special just for you.  Life can be so unfair sometimes and the things that your are going through is tough. Maybe if there is only one thing that I regret most, is that I wasn’t given the chance of telling you that I love you! but I sure glad that destiny curtailed me from committing that possible biggest mistake, who knows what pain again I would go through.

Friendship is the valuable precious gifts I can’t afford to loose, so I can’t risk the chance of loosing you as my friend.  I can’t stand to see your life wasted but what else can I do besides being a real and true friend to you . . .. I guess none, Any ways for all it’s worth I loved you and I will continue on loving you cause you are so special that made my life complete and had given it a certain glow. I just wished that I had the chance to taking care of you even if it takes a million of pain and trials again to go through.  Indeed it’s true that “some good things never last”. 

Poems from the Book of Rage: An untitled prose.

Disclaimer: This poem is not my own. This was written by someone I use to know. She was a budding writer back then, sweet and naive. This was how she let lose; a medium to get her mind off things that burdened her.
I advise you to read with your heart and understand what she means by her words and look past the grammatical inconsistencies.
I'm certain she won't mind me publishing her works. All credits go to her, but I will not identify the author.  Though she never wrote a poem for me, let's just say she is a big part of my chaotic yesterday.

... Ok, so its not a poem. How I wish this was about me, but it's not. I came into her life 1 year later and I'm sure this is not about me because I was never able to kiss her. 

As the adage goes “it hurts to love someone and ended up not being loved in return . . . but what is more painful is that, to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you really feel  . . . “

But if the conditional statement is true that if A loves B it does not necessarily mean that B loves A,  So how I am suppose to know that things are not quite what I think and wasn’t so.

Emotions are like raging rives, sometimes calm and sometimes things are just getting out of hand,  “Action speaks louder that words” as they say but within my case neither hypothesis nor conclusion will be seized.        

Why do I keep on loving and ended up battered left alone in this solitude of life, is this really my true destiny or its just a curse inflicted upon me, Like the song goes . . . “I don’t know but I believe that some things are meant to be . . . but I cannot believe that suddenly things like this are happening to me. One thing for sure is that my love for you grows stronger everyday.

When the sun had miraculously kiss the sea and the moon is only where my eyes is set, I always think of you and me. All I can imagine is you holding me exchanging our vows of love to each other. 

And when the night is through another day will begin for me and you, but it would only be a heartbreak day for me for I see that you are with someone whom I think you love so true.

When I listened to the radio there is a certain song meant for me that is dedicated to you, It goes like this . . . 

My shattered dreams and broken hearts are mending all themselves

I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else

Now I stand all alone wishing all my feelings was gone

I gave my best to you, Nothing for me to do

But one last cry, one last cry, before I leave it all behind

I’ve got to put you out of my mind this time . . .

In life one of the most challenging and chaotic part of growing up is falling in love then later when you fall out of love or things just might not work out here comes letting go and bidding goodbye. Winding back through the days where in we share those intimate moments and later realizing that they were only stolen moments that breaks my heart into pieces.  Its not an easy task, painful as it may seem I have to let you go. I hate saying goodbye and I can’t help but cry. Even I dry my eyes and put on a smile, I just can’t make a day without feeling this anxiety and despair.

I hate being left alone and not being loved back, for all these years I never love someone like these, I never sacrifice and give these much attention to anyone before. But I guess this is the drama, the bitter and sweet circumstances of falling in love. ‘” After all,  there is nothing constant in this world but change. Everything comes to its end, without us knowing what battle we will struggle to face the challenges of life’s adversities. In these experience I had learn a lot, I’ve learn to be strong  co’ z now I now that it’s only me who can fight this feeling I’ve kept inside. If I truly love you I must learn to forgive and let go of you. I don’t want people especially friends to pity me and I cannot let my parents know. I just have to do these on my own and it’s a decision I must ponder and stand on. God may be have plans for me, he may had closed the door but had opened a window for me to see. Time heal all wounds and it will surely heal mine in time. But while the scar still bleeds I have my own life to manage and to keep. I must not quit for it is only the beginning of my life’s journey.  To think that all that I have done “ it’s not my lost, it’s actually his lost” you cannot teach the heart whom to love but you will know who you really love and who really loves you just open your eyes and heart who knows that special someone will come to you by surprise, sad as it may seems but upon knowing that someone really cares for you it may just be too late cause that someone had left you and started a new journey with only simple memories of you. If time and destiny won’t forbid maybe next time if love comes back just try to knock and who knows?

For now I had made up my mind, I had to set you free co’ z you also have the right to be happy. I just wish that in time you would realize that we could be more then friends and that I love you so much more than words can say. But if our destiny wouldn’t meet ill just have to stand and go forth.

Life can be so unfair sometimes, one minute you are happy then later it leaves you empty handed. These pass few days I’ve been in a lot of thinking, deciding on what path should I follow and what way should I be avoiding. Experience can be a harsh teacher and brought me to a conclusion that if that’s the case I don’t wanna love and learn, Loving you may seem so heroic on my part, stupidity and a foolish act. But guess that’s what love really means, to be foolish and stupid every time you fall in love. I often ask my self why had I loved you in the first place? Your not the kind of man I’ve dreamed to spend the rest of my life with. In fact you’re the kind that I despise most . You hurt me so much than you can imagine, but all I can do is cry and to keep my mouth shut and continue to love you back. I don’t know why, its just like a disease inflicted on me, A broken dream, a nightmare a big unsolved problem that I cannot solve.

Why can you just slip out of my mind. I wish I didn’t ever had the chance to meet you, to be friend with you. Everyday all I wanted is you out of my system, out of my soul, out of my heart and out of my life !!!! But every time I snap out of reality here you are coming back, like a spy  getting back on me. And when I think I had forgotten you destiny  just draw us close together again. So tell me how can I say goodbye if you are always near whenever I tried to. I know that you will never ever love me in return, not in a million years, but why? Thoughts of you still linger in and out of my mind. You are like a sanity that drives me crazy. Maybe I needed to have a serious head injury in order for me to break and live free.

Why are you doing this to me? Even if I know that you don’t meant to hurt me but I’m so helpless, I do not know what to think nor do anymore. I promise my self that I can no longer love you but I keep on breaking it.    

Ironic and funny don’t you think? The more I love you , the more you love her too. A chain reaction that leads us to no conclusion. She loves someone else and you love her most and I love you best. You told her that you will do anything for her cause you love her so much and likewise I am to you. Are we insane or what? We are eager to give up everything to the one we love, but we are not conscious if what we are doing is right.  

Now here I am trying to survive, I found someone to care and take away the pain that you have caused. A man willing to give up everything  We are doing so well until you came back again,  I admit that the problem is on me, I’m still holding back to the love that was. It hurts me most the more I get to know the sacrifices you have done to your so called beauideal woman. I can’t hate her cause the fact that she is my closest friend.

Time had passed so quickly for the both of us, its like a snap of a finger things between us are so intimate and sublime. I never felt so in love with someone like this before but I am afraid that I will fall out of love for you or likewise in return. September 9. 2000 is the most memorable day for the two of us, you entered my life like a vibrant light making your way from my mending broken heart. I was so preoccupied by your care and it made me feel complete and alive again. Yes I had fallen for you more then you can imagine. From the moment that you embrace me with your passionate love and kisses god I can’t help to think bout you each moment of everyday. You are my eternal happiness, you made my fantasy a reality and you made me so happy.  Now I believe that love really works in its mysterious ways, your passionate kiss was my first and I think it’s a memory I wouldn’t be able to forget. At first I’m so shocked and speechless, From the moment that I close my eyes and felt the warmth of your kiss my heart skips and race I don’t know what to do if I should kiss back or just pretend that I am asleep. A phenomenon that made my world to stop turning all I wished is that you’ll always be there by my side kissing and hugging me. Now alone in my quiet solitude  I reminisce that stolen precious moment. Every time I close my eyes I imagine you and you alone by my side making our way through this romantic and passionate night..   you became such an important thing more than a precious gem that I might not be able to let go, you a possession that made me live my life to the fullest of its intense ecstacy. I miss you and I truly love you!!!!! How I wish that things would turn out fine with the both of us. I really wished that you’ll stay the same, the  man I love and that you’ll be my first and my last.

I really wish and pray.

Feeling aren’t always stable as they seems, even though we wish for a perfect unending relationship still there would always be a time in doubt. Doubt that may cause a crack in a beautifully molded bond between two parties. Trials arises,, confusion in asking wether you had chosen the right decision. A decision that would take a lifetime to bear. 

Poems from the Book of Rage: "A promise to my self"

Disclaimer: This poem is not my own. This was written by someone I use to know. She was a budding writer back then, sweet and naive. This was how she let lose; a medium to get her mind off things that burdened her.
I advise you to read with your heart and understand what she means by her words and look past the grammatical inconsistencies.
I'm certain she won't mind me publishing her works. All credits go to her, but I will not identify the author.  Though she never wrote a poem for me, let's just say she is a big part of my chaotic yesterday.

...

A promise to my self

I had seen my parent’s regret

How immature and discouraging life to them

There is no ample space for them to see 

What love really means . . .

One thing I admire them most 

Is there sense of responsibility

But they had forgotten what vow they made all throughout eternity

Till death do us part, they once said

Now, look at them, pride and greed overwhelmed

My mom always tell me to chose my mate

My dad protect me but I doubt if it is love or just guilt

Forget the past is what I tried to do

But it often times comes haunting me

I am not to good in school, and the reason is 

I guess it sucks and I think its no good

You are just there to have a diploma 

Then what have a miserable life as my parents

I promise my self not to be like them

A promise I will forever make and would never break 

A lesson I’ve learn from my two dear parents

I don’t know why, I felt so bad 

I think I did my best but it wasn’t enough

So in order not to follow their footstep

I must be stronger and more wiser

I hope and pray that he would guide

For he always cast down tons of burden to me

I am more luckier I guess for I am not like other teens who has a broken family

Or leaving my life in poverty

I found my self thinking for everything there is a reason

And may be when I grow up I would soon find out

What is my purpose in living a quite miserable life.