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A rush of memories fill my head
As the morning breaks and I get out of bed
I look at myself in the mirror, a lot has changed
"It doesn't matter", was all that I said.

The world will keep on turning,
Time will keep on moving
The memories will remain in the past
I can look to the future at last.

Its been a blast, one rockin good time
There were problems sure, but I have Joy inside
Twenty eight was great, but I have to cross the line
I know everything will be fine......now at twenty nine.

Don't know...

There are a lot of things in my mind. Mostly about what to do....about my life, the future, things that I want to do, but cant seem to start. I'm getting old and until now I haven't yet established myself in this world. I guess I wont be able to. Afterall I'm just a pilgrim here. I cant understand what my mind wants. I get obsessed with every new and interesting idea. I remember the time when I was obsessed with mushrooms...I wanted to grow my own mushrooms, but I didn't. Then I was obsessed with knife making. I was able to maintain my interest in knives up until now. I still make a few. Then I realised I cant really make a living out of being a knife maker. I was also obsessed with 3 wheelers, but of course I couldn't make one. It was a far fetched dream. I'm still interested in mountaineering. Making my own gear was also an obsession, but I put it on hold for more important things. Making my own gear will follow. I still do research every now and then and I still plan on becoming a minimalist.

Right now I am interested in barefoot running and was thinking of making my own huaraches - Mexican style sandals with very thin soles. I figured, hey! maybe I can make money out of this here in the Philippines. Oh well, then again maybe not. If I could train in huaraches, maybe I could mountaineer with it. Barefoot mountaineering. Sounds cool. I think its a great idea. Only problem now is how to sell it. "The benefits of being barefoot." Then I could get in touch with the owner of invisibleshoe then we can maybe start a deal where I can retail his products here in the country. Sounds very nice, but I don't have a financial backer. oh well, another idea on hold until someone goes ahead with it and I end up envying them because they made a lot of money out of it. sheesh!

I don't want to be an employee all my life. I want to start a lucrative business and take care of my family personally. Live a simple life where all members of the family are happy. I wonder when....don't know.

Summer 2001

I remember, it was the year 2001, spending the summer afternoons watching MYX while recovering from my operation. The number one song back then was Jaded by Aerosmith. Since I couldn't talk, i just hummed to the tune and banged my head as though I was the one actually singing the song.

Those afternoons were warm as the sun poured into the room illuminating the parquet floor and warming up the place. It would shine through the leaves creating light and shadow patterns that constantly change as the wind blows by. Then i would once again read the "get well soon" cards i got from the mail. Yeah! the mail...actual postal mail. Back then, email wasn't that popular yet.

Come to think of it...i haven't used the postal service in years...

Something to say

It sometimes hits me, this feeling of lethargy combined with worry, and nostalgia. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen whenever I feel that nothing is going according to plan. Its the feeling I get whenever I leave my home after a vacation. Its the feeling I get whenever the sun turns orange in the afternoon and the sky is blue with just patches of feather like clouds arranged in concentric arcs. Its this time when I remember being a young boy with no worries and no cares. Taking each day as a fun time to learn new things, discovering new ways of playing the same game. I miss being a child.
What the hell happened to that young boy I once was? I guess I locked him up somewhere inside me and now I cant find the key. That boy who appreciated the small things in life. The boy who was content with homemade food and homemade toys. The boy who enjoyed saturday afternoons with his family by catching small fish and collecting stones in the river. The boy who enjoyed Sunday lunch because of the pinapaitan that his Lola cooked. The boy who enjoys talking with his Daddy more than playing with his Family Computer or watching tv. Where is he now?
I grew up learning that the world is a cruel bitch with a whip. Trusting people doesn't come naturally to me because in the end its still every man for himself. I got my heart broken many times in situations that, up until now, keeps me wondering why i was even there in the first place. I can say that I was more emotional then than I am now. I use to base things in how I felt rather than how I thought. Now I just laugh at the irony of how an intelligent person can sometimes become an idiot when it comes to feelings. In school, my classmates made friends with me, not because they wanted a friend, but because they needed someone to make school easier for them. I did have real friends. They are a select few who stood by me at all times. They are like brothers to me. I haven't seen them in a while though, but we still keep in touch every now and then.
I like stargazing, but now I have forgotten to take time and look at the night sky. I still enjoy long walks though. Mountaineering is my new passion and I always look forward to a challenging climb. I now enjoy a lot of new stuff, but still sometimes I get that feeling that I cant explain. I only get to have fun once in a while and I have to admit, its expensive to have fun nowadays. Fun means having to spend more than 1000 pesos for a day and 15000 pesos for a week. Well, I guess no one can go anywhere without taking risks.
I have projects still on hold. Projects that were set to be finished this year. I guess I will have to wait another year. So much for learning how to drive in 2010. I have a head full of ideas that are driving me insane.
Once again, that nostalgic feeling starts. Flashbacks of memories and experiences flood my mind. When that feeling sets in, I struggle for something to say.....

Vegan Parmesan Cheese Alternative

Hello. I have been cooking pasta for a while and have become a fan of parmesan for use in my recipes instead of regular grated cheddar cheese. As you all know, parmesan cheese is a bit expensive here and I have been looking for alternatives to this flavorful pasta topping. After much researching, I have found a vegan alternative to parmesan. Its quite convenient actually because my girlfriend is vegan and the ingredients are not as expensive compared to the same volume of parmesan. Anyway, here is the recipe. I haven't tried it yet, but it looks promising. I will try this on my next pasta dish.
Parmesan Cheese Alternative
1 c sesame seeds
1/2 c savory yeast flakes
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt
Lightly toast seeds in a dry pan. When cool whizz all ingredients in a blender.
Use as you would the non-vegan cheese.
Copied from http://valitaskitchen.blogspot.com/2008/09/parmesan-alternative-dairy-free.html

Calm words can really pacify a bad situation

Commuting everyday is no big deal for the likes of me. For someone who doesn't own a car, much less know how to drive, this is the way to get around. I've seen people slug it out in their seats just because its so cramped that sometimes you accidentally or at times intentionally push your seatmate against the bus walls just to get a seat.
Buses here or at least the ones they call "japayuki bus" (discarded buses from japan from decades long past), are modified to have a row of 3 seaters on the drivers side and 2 seaters on the other. If you tried commuting on these japayuki buses, you will notice how notoriously small the spaces are in between seats, not only that, the 3 seater?....well, its like a 2 seater with three headrests. the one seated along the aisle has only a portion of his butt on the seat. Talk about paying in full when barely half of your ass is even seated.
Anyway, so the same scene plays on every time I take the bus. When I travel alone, I usually take the 2 seaters and sit window side. This morning, I decided to sit at the 3 seaters just because the bus is almost full. Somehow, i found myself in the middle of the 3 seater. On my left was a lady, and a guy sat at my right side. I felt like the tuna in a tuna sandwich. I thought to myself, "it coudln't get any worse that this." To my surprise, the guy started pushing me and so, to avoid any unnecessary pain, i moved a bit closer to the lady, who was already pinned to the wall. I thought the worse has passed, but the guy kept pushing every few seconds. I tried to ignore him, but I noticed the lady to me left was already agitated. I started getting a bit agitated as well. I was already considering the possibility of poking the guy's eyes out with my thumb. I was sizing him up and he was larger than me. I tried going through the possible scenarios if ever things get heated up.
I remember Joy telling me to calm down. I guess this means her constant reminders are getting through. I decided then to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down and to clear my mind. I knew it was unwise to push back, but I didn't want the lady to my left to get angry either. I knew I had to tell the guy to stop pushing somehow. I knew an apologetic approach was one way to pacify any anger he had.
With my butt starting to get numb and my hands starting to tire because of my awkward position, I calmly told him, "Pasensiya ka na sir. Masikip po talaga ang upuan natin e." Somehow, he calmed down and stopped pushing at me. "Whew! what a relief." But then the lady on my left told the guy, "kung ayaw mo.....sumakay ka sa ibang bus." In my mind I said, "Holy crap lady! Why the hell did you say that? I already neutralized the situation." Fortunately, the guy didn't hear her.
After that, the ride got a bit better despite still feeling like a tuna in a sandwich. As the bus unloaded passengers at the first stop, things got more comfortable as the guy was able to find another seat. I told the lady, "sorry about that.", but she pretended not to hear me. I felt much better when I got off the bus and started my walk to my office.
As I was walking, I had a chance to reflect at what just transpired in the bus. I was glad things turned out ok. I uttered a short sigh of relief and thanked God.
I didn't have to poke someones eyes out afterall.

Suicidal Tendencies

Let me share to you an article by Pastor Doug Bachelor regarding suicide or self destruction. I found this on page 9 of "Amazing Facts Inside Report: Trees of Life and Death" Aug, 2000. The section is entitled Bible Answers

In Matthew 4:6, did Satan tempt Christ to commit suicide?

The verse reads,“And [the devil] saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is

written,He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest

at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone” (Matthew 4:6).

The three temptations Jesus faced encompass every temptation that any of us face. We find in 1 John 2:16 that there are three basic temptations: lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and pride of life. Eve and Adam fell in those three areas; Christ overcame in those same three areas. We’re all tempted by those three things.

The devil tempts each of us with self-destruction, which is the temptation described in Matthew 4:6. Before I was a Christian, I toyed with suicide quite a bit. Without God, life has no purpose. Suicide, for the non-Christian, is logical thinking. If there’s no God, no purpose, no eternity, and if people are unhappy most of the time, then what’s the sense in living?

The Christian, on the other hand, realizes that suicide does not usher anyone into a better dimension, but instead permanently seals any bad circumstances.

If you’re struggling, suicide doesn’t make it better. Suicide seals it forever. There’s no reversing those bad circumstances.

Generally speaking, suicide is the last resort of a person who is in a faithless and hopeless condition. When such a person kills himself, all he has to look forward to is the resurrection of the damned. His next conscious thought is not a better one, but a worse one. The biggest lie of all is that suicide is going to be an escape. The Bible says sin is a transgression of God’s law, and one of those commandments says, “Thou shalt not kill [murder]” (Exodus20:13).  That would include killing yourself.

Having said this, let me hasten to add that we must be careful not to automatically assume that all persons who have committed suicide will be lost. We may be surprised to find some in the kingdom who ended their own lives when they were not in their right minds due to unusual circumstances such as mental illness, chemical imbalance, or excruciating physical pain. We can trust God, who looks on the heart, to judge fairly in these cases.

Our lives are a sacred gift from God. The devil is using a lot of methods today to tempt people to selfdestruction. Sometimes people commit suicide quickly; some do it by degrees through drugs, selfabuse, or cigarettes.

As long as you’re a Christian, you’ve got hope—of new life, a new body, and eternal life. Just read your Bible and keep claiming God’s promises. He’ll get you through it.