It sometimes hits me, this feeling of lethargy combined with worry, and nostalgia. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen whenever I feel that nothing is going according to plan. Its the feeling I get whenever I leave my home after a vacation. Its the feeling I get whenever the sun turns orange in the afternoon and the sky is blue with just patches of feather like clouds arranged in concentric arcs. Its this time when I remember being a young boy with no worries and no cares. Taking each day as a fun time to learn new things, discovering new ways of playing the same game. I miss being a child.
What the hell happened to that young boy I once was? I guess I locked him up somewhere inside me and now I cant find the key. That boy who appreciated the small things in life. The boy who was content with homemade food and homemade toys. The boy who enjoyed saturday afternoons with his family by catching small fish and collecting stones in the river. The boy who enjoyed Sunday lunch because of the pinapaitan that his Lola cooked. The boy who enjoys talking with his Daddy more than playing with his Family Computer or watching tv. Where is he now?
I grew up learning that the world is a cruel bitch with a whip. Trusting people doesn't come naturally to me because in the end its still every man for himself. I got my heart broken many times in situations that, up until now, keeps me wondering why i was even there in the first place. I can say that I was more emotional then than I am now. I use to base things in how I felt rather than how I thought. Now I just laugh at the irony of how an intelligent person can sometimes become an idiot when it comes to feelings. In school, my classmates made friends with me, not because they wanted a friend, but because they needed someone to make school easier for them. I did have real friends. They are a select few who stood by me at all times. They are like brothers to me. I haven't seen them in a while though, but we still keep in touch every now and then.
I like stargazing, but now I have forgotten to take time and look at the night sky. I still enjoy long walks though. Mountaineering is my new passion and I always look forward to a challenging climb. I now enjoy a lot of new stuff, but still sometimes I get that feeling that I cant explain. I only get to have fun once in a while and I have to admit, its expensive to have fun nowadays. Fun means having to spend more than 1000 pesos for a day and 15000 pesos for a week. Well, I guess no one can go anywhere without taking risks.
I have projects still on hold. Projects that were set to be finished this year. I guess I will have to wait another year. So much for learning how to drive in 2010. I have a head full of ideas that are driving me insane.
Once again, that nostalgic feeling starts. Flashbacks of memories and experiences flood my mind. When that feeling sets in, I struggle for something to say.....
